Freedom

06-Jan-2019

A new year, perhaps some new beginnings - not sure an end to enable them?...

Anyway, this is been something of a regular thought that keeps tossing around so thought better pen it down. By way of noting few sights that render me melancholy/pensive is those of trees - at road dividers, by a busy highway etc. covered with traffic dust. This was primarily back in India but then seldom such triggers here in London.

Except the other day on way back from office, the tree canopy by the shuttle stand, bare as they are of leafage rendered view to a plastic bag tangled in it. For some reason, it makes me reminscence of a kite entangled thus...

However, pondered further this time if it's human litter that makes be melancholy in either scenarios - the answer however was rather the 'constraint'. The lack of choice of 'moving away' from adverse after effects of anothers'(human) activity, for absolutely no fault of theirs whilst they contrarily provide nourishment(i.e. air, climate etc.).

Perhaps even in relationships of all kinds, have been so accustomed to being myself that any impositions(read improvisations) meets instant protest. Pursued to extend same to people around, to best of my understanding. I don't really contest an amalgamation/convergence in due course as a natural transition but an instant snap remedy is something can't wrap my head around. Also, don't feel there's any aberration in an alternate possibility of two personalility remaining independent(or a milder shade of entwined) with positive synnergies(in context of a relationship).

As with most things, prefer to keep things unquantifies/subconcious such that one can pretend to embrace the 'magic' of life. (Deciphering people, situation, articles etc. into features makes one judgemental or vulnerable to making comparisons - instead we should embrace warts & all - or none)

Dismantling houses...finally

23 Dec 2018

It's been a while have been away from this GGN house...1.5 yrs to be precise in London.

As we dismantle this, it'd be a sizable run of 4 winters since 2015. It was my refuge in perhaps one of the most tumultuous time of my life so far.

Perhaps due to middle class sensitivities(insecurities?), houses feel more like a nest.

It was imperfect in so many ways - the Delhi winter draft sneaking via window AC shaft to sleeping on floor(psychologically an 'altitude' shift) is something to experience to empathize next time you see someone outside. Similarly for hunger, financial crunch etc - suggest one experiences it 'sufficiently' not to be dented thereupon. {However, in choice limited to extremes, one may rather not at all[more on that later :)]}....

Cozied up on either sides by 2 heater each again 'broken' in manner that were partially lit.
Ironically, it felt safe than the one before which was again an uber class household.

Anyway, long way since - to a superlative bed with lamp perched atop a study table top. Choice of cutlery & tea cups(stirrer too) - these things being ephermal/fleeting parchment to larger void underneath, but were build with lot of affection(in terms of material/quality - & yes money being a 'universal equalizer' plays its role however not the other way around)

These past few days, were just perfect to relive those memories. Sunlight swept large balconies & ambient pleasantly cold(acclimatized to London helps :P). And yes - to experience this it doesn't feel like the money spent wasn't worth(i pay dearly for 'underlying value')

Perhaps mostly accredited to do with people[beyond scope of this post].

The food delivery startup ecosystem thrives in GGN - due to credit to home delivered tea & yes - food albeit sparing ordered<weird>

Strange if you feel so affectionate to material things which are grossly imperfect for other e.g. prospective tenants walked out in under a minute with unkept water seepage, dirt etc. And we would wriggle in that dilapidated sofa over weekend watching clouds fly past<such vella pana when these're times YOLO>...Balconies had much unobstructed views - albeit lined with only a bunch of tress & grass patch, most of it were societies unoccupied so we could gauge occupancy of how many those matchbox houses got increasingly lit up.

We're all broken...

28 Nov London

[TBU - WIP]

We're all broken in our own unique ways. Let this not be a melancholy tirade but a celebration in imperfections of life.

There're changes that we desire by way of emotional, physical, intellectual, social sensibility/sensitivity, physiological standing/attributes that'd make us more agreeable societally or perhaps at times only to reconcile to our own perception of who he'd like to be...

These form the core of our existence as they're deep-seated secret nucleous we surround with positive/agreeable traits. The outer core is what meets the eye & makes for our version in broader societal exchange. Thus, making these vulnerabilities more personal than the ephermal +ve cloak. It also makes us unique & special when we render the entire spectrum to a priviledged-audience-of-choice.

However, inspite of the daily wring these seemingly disadvantages put us through, i believe there would be one or handful of very special days we'll know the reason that there was merit we were cut from a fabric tad imperfectly. Have seen such skews saving lives - took 5 decades then for them then to realise that what grand design it this imperfection was tailored to!

Am not saying one must succumb to not making effort subscribing to auto-pilot destiny may have. We must aspire to be-our-best-version. But then leave it to tomorrow, things we can't comprehend today...as a gift - embraced if not internalized. If nothing better comes, it could atleast be a filter to screen out who makes it to the cut to be surround with:)

An ordinary existence...

27-Nov London

Stumbled onto this thought again during a connect with a colleague having Steve Jobs wallpaper. For many a generations, he'll undoubtedly remain an impressionable 'influence'...

However, does one aspire for that life? Many do. May be with all the right intent, however w/o much context into the person life, such fame seems to me as a (non-desirable burden?) side-outcome of pursuit of excellence/perfection. The point of contention being, how many of those wannabe are cognisant & willing to make sacrifices it takes. For me, am not...

One may contest, great people still solicit a worthwhile ponder even from cynic alike(i.e.yours truly)

Anyway, the point is for all the great leap of mankind it costed them dearly a precious asset - time. Instead I aim to toil my time on this planet like a commoner/invisible. 'Cos that allows for lot of  trivialities which i find give meaning to a 'wholesome' life. Contrary to leaving behind a legacy drawing inspiration/awe, would rather return to soil with bagful of memories(as they say life flashes-by at last moments, so make it worth the view:)

Even a minor stoke of luck/excellence deprives one tremendously & at times irretrievably - School grades had to be slighted to maintain a persona to be a lookalike to most & have many a friends(yes - perhaps a personality falling),
College was bitter realisation that the curtains will eventually be drawn to aforementioned charade & alienated almost all of friends, including move away from home.
Now with Job - am writing this oceans apart from 'where I belong'

The point is am I even designed to play even a higher purpose,as being role-model to a social-cohort. Unequivocal NO.

I already lost a lot of 'quality' time - when being envied for college, little did they realise they were in other colleges meeting their respective life-partners, walking hand in hand, looking in eyes dreaming a future which most are currently living[drift - better 'ratio's]; doing other embarrasing-but- amazing college 'things' meant for that life-stage etc.

This isn't a regret as it was a choice & had inkling of these fallouts. However when people whine about career/salary, they comfortably discount the not-in-the-face downside of this alternate trajectory.

If anything my preferable orbit should include, but not limited to :)
+ with playing a better son(at least be able to hug & take care of parent, listen to them sufficiently),
+ meet friends at least once/alternate weeks to have aimless banter over tea,
+ be a sounding board for my sibling, create that special spark for someone,
+ be able to support a social cause
+ live upto motto of making everyone i meet incrementally happier - regardless (with smile either over my silly humor or even at unsuccessful attempt to it :P)
+ continue making interesting friends at work - the coffee barista, salad bar lady, the old cleaning lady, another old lady who cleans late night, cafeteria guys...etc.

Good humor

Diwali'18 Kanpur

For humor, have always believed in quantity over quality(while delivering, but perhaps ironically contrary while receiving? will think through the latter as intent also could matter)

Also, if the impact gets transmitted in phases by being multi-layered then even better. More so, if totally unanticipated.

This is where a noteworthy scribble warranted this post.

I was convincing my mom for some resistance training apart from run-of-mill-(middle class)-'cardio' i.e morning walk. Told her will order in some dumb-bells for exercising, to which she was reluctant as usual such that i could save few extra pennies of my salary. Thus, i proposed to use 2-5kg dal or aata packets as props as an alternate.

Swift came one of the best retorts for marriage: "if I had grandsons/daughter I could've swung them in arms & that would settle the matters for multiple objectives".

Well, as should be case was at loss of words(lajawab) for a comeback :)

wish i could be friends to my kids likewise

Musings: Growing up, growing old...

26-Nov'18

Growing up/old never seemed a daunting prospect. Believe some perspective do take requisite life stage bracket, to age to perfection like Scotch :)

Quite few retorts from parents ricocheted from the past to make some sense now that i reflect - yes, they registered then & are parked to be revisited. Very simple remarks(e.g it takes a lot for a women to give birth - now i've realize only 5% of it with the bodily compromises, hair loss, psychological etc.) seem to unfold & dawn in profound ways

Anyway few topics particularly have pondered upon:

Money: This seems a great denominator. As you age, your body isn't in best shape but then with money you buy nicer clothes such that some total doesn't look all that glaring

Health: Howsoever hard you try exercise, pushing through becomes difficult. Even if you push through enough it gym hardly lacks the aesthetics of youth carved by nature

Relevance: Particularly at senior-citizen age bracket. Being for most parts the leader of household the adjustment take time. One can consciously create those opportunities that they feel integrated/important but isn't a strain on diminishing faculties

People watching

26-Nov'18

One of the perks of living in a multi-ethnic city is the public transport throws such interesting colorful faces at you.

Particularly riding outside the city - contrary to the business center side of city that are morose & bland with their perfect(irony) orchestration

One such route is the Richmond line enroute office. As I switched trains at Turnham Green, there boards this beautiful girl. She's sits opposite me entirely in black, lean frame...with black oxford shoes. Her rough while skin is lined with beautiful red-ish freckles. She seems like an artist or architect with that cylindrical carry-on.
Everything about her is rough-edged & utilitarian. She carries a square back-pack with leather look alike material(but not leather mind-you), with string based lock. Ruefully observes her frayed unkempt hair, which aren't straightened out at all, as she pulls her ponytail from coat's collar perhaps slept over previous day's hair do. Her face looks less cared for - one could almost spot a wrinkle next to her chin. Perhaps she has better things to do than heed to vanity of personal upkeep. Very interesting & indeed quite beautiful - magical almost. (But the kind like morning dew on flower petals, you'd like to observe & be mesmerized from a distance...else it disappears). More so, as we both deboard in 3min flat. And did I mention she sat slouching on the seat with foot-folded-inward-stance atypical of many introverts(Yes, love this city as girls don't have social mandate to sit in 'appropriate' civil ways! & no there's no paradox if to consider Indian outfits to complement the sensuality of the creation)

Then as I enter office, i see a familiar face D- she's a dapper & wearing her wonderful coat, again. But i sense vanity - & start corroborating my (biased?)inference with data. She's is used to people drooling over her & walk about with (over)confidence. Chin high as she leaps unsuccessfully to stop lift closing door, challenging basic etiquette. It's amusing to observe her 'struggle' so used to barging her way into 'owning spaces'. In the next lift we both enter & she immediately complements another girl over her coat :P(coincidental? haha...) Incidentally this other girl almost brushes aside the compliment in a stride, perhaps being into a conversation with her companion, far from reciprocating our dapper! The ego seems further bruised as she jumps off the lift as soon as it stops..As i head to my floor, i contemplate the difference hardly ever impressed by D. Her accessories may be tasteful but they are mass-merchandise money can buy, but lacks that personalized unique imperfection of flared trouser seams as our mystery girl above.

I like observing faces, believe it represents a glimse into sum total of our thoughts. Eyes particularly. We become our thoughts, each cell of it absorbs & exudes the kindness of our soul.

Since i've always been enamored by the complexity & beauty of women, each particularly unique & special(will not include mention of wizened stone-faced handyman carrying that Stanley tool-box.)

PS: It's a non-judgemental account of people from my vantage point making neither style of living any better or more respectful than the other.

Thoughts meander on way back home - yet again

25-Nov'18

The weather been changing oflate as Fall gives way to Spring.

And just an opportune occasion for nature to wipe off the canvas afresh with bout of rains - time for misty window panes in automobiles, perpetually fine drizzle, umbrella fencing the breeze, yellow cones marking wet-spots at train station, another yellow of sodium lamps exhaling pensive steam(i.e. rain drop turned sublime by warm kiss of lamp) but standing tall as sentinels of the night...

Now the file of trees behind my bus spot don't form a green canopy anymore. Objects from the distant other side are in perspective. Is that nature's way of reinforcing transience & thus a nudge to cherish every moment before it gives way to another. Also, now i do have much higher 'clarity' of vision over greater distance but was it a desirable outcome?

Perhaps much so in life, things murky & complex aren't necessarily all that bad. Perhaps the suspense shrouding & uncertainty thereby makes it all the worthwhile. Or is it the discovery. Anyway, be careful what you wish for.

Savor the moment as clock ticks...

Cult: Tea

Tea as a beverage intrigued be intermittently from time to time. Particularly since moving to Calcutta(Yes, that's what we'll be calling it here).

Amongst a barrage of changes i experienced setting into a new city/culture with an impressionable mind, food habits were no less a revulsion-as-a-first-response.

Roti was a staple food for me past 2 decades & suddenly it was nowhere to be found! Veg food felt no less than an oxymoron.
Then, there was this variant of tea which had a blink-&-you-miss relationship with milk.

Took me a while, to be able to appreciate that variant(entire credit to another charming friend of mine, who makes the best tea. Period). The change didn't come easy.

Now, the concepts/versions introduced were sophisticated & thoughtful. Considerations included:
+ weather
+ time of day
+ pre vs post meal
+ ctc vs leaf tea
+ condiments: Even ginger was given a consideration & not a default anymore
+...

If that wasn't enough, the concept of para-adda! This medley of influences from this innocuous looking beverage made me wonder if it was no less than a cult.(the better kind i.e. inclusive rather than divisive)

Further next, got introduced to an Avadhi variant of dum-chai. 

And BTW each school took 'strong'-exception to the other!(jibes included: tea w/o milk was next to blasphemy while the other called milk-based tea with not-so-complementary-regional-attribution remark :)

Still, there was a Marathi twist that was yet to be stumbled upon with Ginger grated & not mashed to release the flavor better.

<Post incomplete - TBC...>

Middle-class emblems

India has a flourishing(by count only, pun intended) middle-class. Perhaps it's a pervasive phenomenon world-wide with income disparities only growing. However, with Indian economy leap-frogging from Agro to Services skipping the Manufacturing-based construct only cemented the construct(as much as it continues to contradict economic theories)

Though there may be innumerable emblems but few which caught my fancy more than other are as follows alongside my musings:

Use of calendars as 'interior' decoration stalwarts: 

Calendars from Insurance companies & Wholesale dealers were a very common affair. Little did i realize the strong Religious themes innate to it till a close friend 'subscribing' to an alternate faith felt bit out-of-place visiting us

[sidebar: subscription makes for a hope of fluid-choice of opting-out in of auto-enrollment by birth]. Couldn't garner courage to ask if she had her's similarly landscaped tweaked per her faith ofcourse, considering she did also belong to similar financial (or psychological?)cohort. And did i mention the incense did add a zing to the setting? :)

To be noted, i then realized that even our wall-clock had a religious imprint.

Steel cutlery: 

Rugged, easy-maintenance, hygienic, long-lasting etc. an endless set of virtues. Except....aesthetics! 

As with most my thoughts lacking any originality whatsoever, above is also a borrowed observation from a married friend while dropping by my humble bachelor hamlet. Duly noted, if that's any comfort :)

Tea-drinking: (North & east India specific observation perhaps)

If it may make for a perk, people of such demographics are not particularly constrained for time. Also, the social fabric is so intertwined as to have little regard/understanding/need for personal space. Thus, unannounced evening walk-in were a familiar affair(alas, now more as an exception than a rule, even at the time of writing this). 

Tea has been the choice of beverage - was it because it's affordable than say a fruit juice, mildly intoxicating(beer anyone?), tends to give a make-believe(no nutrients) sense of invigoration etc.

Perhaps the rebels - young restless & new earners - thus choose to claim the new found freedom by shaking-off this habit as a foremost undertaking towards a rather premium alternative of coffee.

[Sidebar: Another post on tryst with the beverage]

Dairy-based diet:

Doesn't look like a mere co-incidence that we've a heavy reliance on dairy product - providing for cheap source of Calcium/protein.

Pattern in worship:(not universally applicable)

Being vulnerable to forces of nature, the idea to worship diet-source & contingency sits quite comfortably with us(easy to extrapolate the idea & silence herein would serve better than words/expression)

Home-cooked food: 

Ambivalent to if this being a middle-class thing per-se but just as a thought almost in-sync with the mood of the post. 

No doubt a healthier choice, but wonder how many from the said cohort actually can afford a restaurant-fixed meal either? I do take relief in such an arrangement even if a few may find it as a regressive practice(as usually undertakings 'defaults' to women members of the household). 

But then again it took me a while to understand as to why my muh-boli chachi would insist making 'fresh' sooji-halwa & was so against the consideration of biscuit(my young taste buds preferred latter! :) 

A distinguished life...

Understandably a subjective inquiry. Believe most people have identified a set of KPI's to 'chase'...

But then there're unsung 'heroes' in that journey - the orderlies or the ordinary often overlooked. But being from a small-town those are very much an integral part of our reflection/narrative.

A glimpse into an everyday conversation could've the protagonist as, say great-grandson on Aata-chakki wala did so & so...

Today, was nudged into a similar reminiscence, when on my folks return from an evening shopping trip it was announced that batashe-wala(Pani-puri/Golgappa/Gupchup) continues to be stationed at same spot even during festive time rush, though he has grown about rickety old. 

Immediately it was yet another reminder that while we were growing up & now growing old...they're ppl who've inched towards retirement age. However our memory has their snapshot transfixed to that of over 15yrs ago! when we used to return from our Engineering entrance coaching classes & would make a surreptitious stop-over before heading home :) 

These vocations would never perhaps be glorious but yet remain endearingly fond - for the joys/breather they've render to our lives at numerous occasions. How's such an existence not remarkable?

[Related - will put in an anchor post why i prefer a barrage of not-so-awesome jokes if they still spark a smile or two]

Another such incident remained etched in my memory from perhaps around my Xth - XIIth boards is when i went to 'our' cobbler who sat right outside our Rly Colony entrance. When i gave my shoe for mend, little did i notice that he looked much healthy & bright. Only when i chatted a few more minutes, came to realise it was actually his son who has taken over his father's profession. When would we 'notice' these faceless vocations - a generation 'lost'?

Our childhood tailor, bicycle repair guy etc. who were hero's of young mind just couldn't weather the squeeze of 'organised' life.

How long are we gonna stay relevant - only time will tell. But we do wither away in dust eventually so perhaps there's no alternate to taking a lesson or two in humility...& be kind & forgiving to those who couldn't have had a remarkable career, as much of it is to no innate credit of ours but just the timing of our stars to land up in coordinates to pick the trajectory we're traversing today...